PostdocPartum #10: Luck

898 words, 5 minutes

10:23 PM EDT
July 7, 2012
facebook.com

"...we would unanimously like to offer this opportunity to you, effective with the Fall semester 2012."

I should be happy. But the first thing I think is, do I deserve this? Am I worthy? Grad school has so warped my self-perspective.

But I am happy. Yesterday was a good day, today was great, and tomorrow will be better. The feeling is still sinking in. I know I am very, very lucky.

And I will be happy. My future is changing. This is not a time to rest on laurels. With opportunity comes duty. Now is the time to work, harder than ever, to earn my keep. To endeavor, with purpose, to a better future.

Since most of you are still wondering what's going on: I received an NSF IGERT Fellowship.

3:14 PM CEST
July 9, 2017
facebook.com

Five years ago, I became an NSF IGERT fellow. What a long time ago, what an incredible journey of learning.

And what insane luck. It wasn't until the external review board meeting in 2014, near the end of my fellowship, that I learned the real reason behind my special opportunity, why I got accepted to the program in July despite being rejected earlier that same year in April (and rejected the year before). Essentially, there were five fellows already selected for the 2nd cohort (2012-14 class). One of them had to drop out of his PhD program due to a life circumstance. The only reason I know is because he was an underrepresented minority and the external review board asked about diversity statistics. The program director explained his situation and that's when I realized I was his replacement. That's why I was rejected in April and then surprised by an acceptance to the program in July.

Truthfully, I think, deep down in my subconscious, I worked really hard in the IGERT program, more than I probably should have since none of it counted toward my thesis, to make good on that sacrifice, to honor what I got but what someone else deserved. It took 4 years of teamwork (in a 2-year fellowship) but we presented our results at two conferences and wrote a journal paper in a field that none of us formally studied [1]. Whoever you are, I hope I made you proud, as damned proud as I could have in your place.

Your luck in life may be, as it was in mine, a consequence of someone else's misfortune. Be kind, be grateful, and be generous. Live fervently with an attitude of honor so that none, especially yourself, can doubt the worth of the known and unknown sacrifices that made your life possible.

Sincere thanks to Alex Smith, Jonah Bea Taylor, Rebecca Hill, and Nabil Kleinhenz, the best cohort and co-authors I didn't deserve.

[1] AM Smith, SY Lai, J Bea-Taylor, RBM Hill, N Kleinhenz. Collaboration and change in the research networks of five Energy Frontier Research Centers. Res Eval (2016) 25 (4): 472-485. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1093/reseval/rvw006.

Postscript: there's another lesson here. I don't know the exact decision-making mechanism for IGERT fellows nor how it compares to the selection process for other types of fellowships, but I think what we as applicants often miss and don't get to hear is how close we may have been to a life-changing opportunity. Usually, we're only told no, a polite letdown that has become so common that it seems trite and disingenuous. Those who are used to excelling have trouble coming to terms with rejection because they will, partly by necessity, encounter it disproportionately more often as they reach the upper echelons of the academic elite and compete for a shrinking pool of resources and distinction. What is important to know is that rejection is not always merit-based but is frequently resource-limited.

I also think that there is a message that frequently isn't said: "you still have value even if you don't get this fellowship", the lack of which is what I believe unintentionally inflicts the most damage to mental health when an applicant is met with rejection. I think that understanding the impact of resource-limitation is also why experienced researchers (who have likely served on application-granting review panels) regard the rate of acceptance as a random probability instead of a merit-based probability, the latter of which is the idealistic attitude of young researchers with inflated but fragile self-esteems. Experienced researchers have realized that, except for the unicorns in research who have a Midas touch, they are more or less equally qualified with the majority of the field and luck and politics may play a bigger role than scientific value in deciding the fate of their funding. Of course, it could be equally argued that these researchers are self-selected; any others are eventually so discouraged that they leave the field for another, more satisfying profession. The question is, where do I belong? And will it always come down to luck?

Links:

• https://www.nsf.gov/funding/pgm_summ.jsp?pims_id=12759&org=NSF - National Science Foundation (NSF) Integrative Graduate Education and Research Traineeship (IGERT) Program page
• www.igert.org - a separate website for the NSF IGERT program. The About page is quite informative. The IGERT program has been archived since 2013 and replaced by the NSF Research Traineeship (NRT) program.
• http://nesac.gatech.edu/ - the Nanostructured Materials for Energy Storage And Conversion (NESAC) IGERT at the Georgia Institute of Technology that awarded and administered my fellowship.